People always ask me if I get nervous before I get on stage for comedy, hosting, acting or speaking and I always answer the same….YES! 

The moments before I hear my name and step on stage in the bright lights and in front of the microphone are riddled with self-doubt, anxiety, sweat and nerves. Every single time! Seriously! Often people think I am exaggerating, but the truth is putting yourself out there, being vulnerable and volunteering to be judged is a scary thing.

Then the next obvious question comes, “Then why do it??”

My answer comes swiftly, “because I was made to do this, I absolutely LOVE it!”

The secret I rarely tell them is that I go through a psychological phenomenon called the “fight or flight response” before every performance. I have put myself into a risky situation (being judged, fear of failing) and I make a choice whether to run away (not perform, cancel, feign a heart attack and leave on a stretcher) or “fight” (jump in with both feet, perform like I’ve never performed before, giver!)

Last night I experienced what I like to call a “Write or Flight” response when competing at this month’s Write Club Toronto. The premise is two writers compete to defend two opposing ideas–in my case FRIEND vs STRANGER. The writers can write in any style (poetry, essay, story, debate) and the audience decides the winner.

I was competing agains Evan Munday, a writer, publisher and all-around cool guy who had previously won his round at the first Write Club Toronto. We were randomly drawn to go last and he won the rock-paper-scissors battle and chose to read his piece first.

That meant I was to read dead last for the night after a reigning champ, in front of a room of amazingly talented writers, performers, comedians and more. I felt ill!

Evan went up and did an amazing job defending STRANGER, he was funny, engaging and smart. The audience applauded and I made a choice…do I run away, do I meekly go up and acquiesce to a true champ, or do I give it every ounce of energy and love for performing that I have?

I chose the latter and it was amazing! I defended FRIEND with an embelished story of my first memory of making a friend in Kindergarten. I got laughs, I was on point and I delivered one of the best performances of my life!

The audience voted for me and the Boys & Girls Club of Toronto will get a donation because of it, but even more long lasting for me was that I did it…again. Again I chose to stand up and be brave in the face of nerves, sweat, self doubt and my flight response. Sometimes choosing FIGHT can be the best choice of your life!

I do!!!

I was speaking to an amazing comic about letting ourselves go back to who we were as children in order to get more success today. I think at first he thought I was a bit nutty–how will wearing diapers get me more paid shows!?!? But as we talked it out and I waved my hands around more and got more passionate and excited (read, more spit flew from my mouth as I talked) I think he got what I was talking about.

I keep a picture of me as a kid by my desk at all times to remind me of who I really am! The core of me is the crazy child Aisha I once was. Just like a tree whose core is how it began, we too create layers and rings of age through the years. With most humans though, each ring is like a layer that brings us further and further away from who we were designed to be.

So if we can get back to our original self; the self that has no ego, doesn’t question or judge itself, loves everything about itself good bad and otherwise, and believes it can be/do/have anything imaginable. This is the self that will gain us respect, success and joy in our adult life.

If we can spend time getting more aligned, allowing our energy to flow more easily, with more passion and without having to filter through layers of adulthood sabotage, we would be even more brilliant than we already are.

So on my birthday as a gift to me, I ask that you look at your favourite picture of yourself as a child, a picture when you were the most YOU you can remember, and ask yourself, “how much of this am I allowing to live in me today?”

Thank you in advance for helping me celebrate my favourite day of the year by getting back to who you truly are and celebrating it wildly!

“Tell us a joke then!”

To which I reply “NO Jerkface, I’m not your monkey!!!” Haha okay well maybe I just think that sometimes. What I say out loud is, “you should come to a show sometime” I hate it though because I feel like I have to prove something to them, prove that I am funny, no really I get laughs on stage and all!

Doing comedy can be nerve racking for obvious reasons: I’m trying to make people laugh who are instantly judging me from the moment I walk on stage. But there are times when I go on stage and don’t care what anyone thinks, I just have as much fun as possible. Those are my BEST performances by far! I kill when I feel totally comfortable just being ME on stage and letting my funny bone dance.

Last night on a walk to a venue, I was talking to Dave Merheje a more experienced (and ridiculously hilarious) comedian, about how he is able to just let go on stage. When he does comedy you never know what to expect and it’s always a crazy, funny and ridiculous ride. He spoke about the fact that he rarely tells pre-written jokes and instead just shares with the audience what is going on in his head at that moment.

Brilliant I thought and so simple! Letting go of the fear lets you just have fun and enjoy the stage time.When I get in my head about proving that I am funny I end up looking uncomfortable, feeling like I’m dying out there and no one enjoys it. If they aren’t going to laugh that’s their business, but the least thing I can do is have some damn fun while I’m up there!

So my homework this week is to get over proving something and just go have fun being me on stage! I am a comedian so that means I must think I’m funny–otherwise an office job would make a lot more sense! I don’t look cute behind a desk, so doing comedy is much more suited to me!

Each time I watch this video I get super anxious and inspired all at the same time. It makes me think, “what am I doing right now? Do I love it?” and every time I ask myself this question I realize the answer is rarely an emphatic YES!

Last night I watched the video again and thought about the changes I wanted to make and then went to sleep. But in the middle of sleeping I woke up in a sweat having what seemed like a minor panic attack.

I couldn’t stop freaking out about the fact that death is coming and what the hell am I doing hiding from life! My only reason for existing is to LIVE damn it!

I had to hold back tears and began meditating to regain control over my wildly active mind and in the end my calm came when I reminded myself that all I have to do is live.

Live brilliantly, fearlessly, honestly and joyfully! The simplicity of it all is wonderful and it makes decisions easier and swifter so I can enjoy a life full of the things that make me laugh, give me joy, make me feel love and tickle my huge fancy!

So kudos to a past legend for affecting lives in the now even once his full life ended. Thank you Alan Watts, I hope one day we can bungee jump in the afterlife together!

IKEA is known for it’s accessible furniture, affordable prices and cheap meatballs. But in the last week I have come to know it for it’s confusing showroom, long lines and ability to cause a life crisis.

I moved into my new place in Toronto on Friday and it was a great feeling knowing that I had a spot I could call my own. I went down to my local IKEA assuming that with my ability to make decisions it would be a quick “in-and-out” trip; I’d be home with time for a nap before comedy.

But instead what happened was I got trapped in the IKEA whirlpool!

By the time I was finished asking all my questions and measuring everything I was exhausted! I went down and picked up all the boxes (which were impossibly heavy and long…who do they think is shopping there Mr. Olympia!?!? Seriously!)

There I was in IKEA amongst families, trying to carry my huge winter jacket and pushing a cart and a flat bed full of heavy furniture and that’s when I realzed it… I am alone! I got in line and waited. I waited and thought about life, I had just moved to a new city alone with no job and no family.

I started to think about how much money all this furniture was going to cost, about everything I had left in Winnipeg, about how I had no real prospects in Toronto and my mind went into a spiral that just took over.

I questioned whether the move was the right one, I questioned what I was doing in life, I questioned if what I do is important, I questioned whether I should just get out of line and leave all these possessions on my damn squeaky cart with the wonky wheel and head for a beach hut on Mexico with nothing but a hammock and some cervesa.  ARRGGGHH!!! 

And then in the midst of my life panic I got a single text that stopped it all. My good friend Tyson Caron sent me a message with a cute pic of the two of us and the message, “was thinking about you”

With those four words everything was in perspective. I have amazing friends, because I am an honest and good person. I love what I do and I always try my best to work hard and let the universe guide me to help others in this world while allowing my own light to shine as bright as possible.

In the end I got my furniture, got home and had a great night out doing comedy and celebrating life with new Toronto friends. Sometimes all you need to put things in perspective is a reminder of what life is about.

My life is about friendship, love, helping others and having fun! Simple, easy and amazing! So next time I am whirling out of control I will remember that every so often someone I love thinks of me and in the words of Sam Cooke, “That’s where it’s at”

When I looked it up the definition ranged from “an overheated axle box” (Wikipedia) to “an air tight room or vehicle with one or more pot-smokers smoking one or more joints” (Urban Dictionary). 

But this past Thursday I did comedy in an establishment called the Hot Box and the term took on a whole new meaning to me. For me last night the Hot Box was a room that made me hot under the collar, the arms and the palms! I was scared!

The room was small, there was no stage nor a microphone and I could touch Trucker Dan, the Deepak Chopra of the 4/20 culture in Kensington market here in Toronto.

I was intimidated when I walked in because I love the feeling of being on stage with lights in my eyes. It gives me a sense of security to be isolated from seeing judgement on faces in the crowd.

But in this particular venue the lights were bright, the faces were vivid and my palms were soaking wet! I wanted to run out and kept convincing myself it would be okay if I left, because hey, I’m not a comedian really anyway right!?!?!?

That’s why I remembered my 2013 commitment to get outside my comfort zone and that’s exactly what I did. I literally, dove into the belly of the weedy whale and walked right in, sat with other comedians and enjoyed myself!

When it was my turn I brought some more energy than usual, told some jokes and had a really (really) great time!

So in the end the Hot Box chilled me out and made me realize that fear is just a way to make us feel weak, to stop us from having fun and to give us sweaty pits! I pushed through that fear and on the other side was a fun night of comedy and new friends!!! YAY! Haha

So moral of the story is, when things get hot, talk to Trucker Dan and heed his advice to just have fun!

YAY!!! No what?!?

We’ve all been there: we talk about the big concert we are going to see, the backpacking trip we’ve been planning for years, the wedding we’ve been planning every detail for!

The moment when the big things in life come to a completion there can often be a period of confusion, panic and even depression because we have begun to define ourselves by the story we have attached to the anticipation and excitement of something big we wanted.

That’s where I am at a bit at the moment!!!

I’ve been planning my move to Toronto, talking about it, getting info from friends and colleagues on who to contact, where to go etc. But in the end I have to create a “real life” with all this info and it’s a journey.

So today I had a bit of a self loathing day and sat on the couch looking at the computer doing “work” and trying to figure out how to succeed. And I realized something important…

I need to find simplicity in order to figure out what to do in the moment! I am not at my best when I am trying to think of the “big picture”, but rather when I have a sense of what I want and I create small action steps and focus points.

Sometimes people hear that about me and think that means I don’t have a vision or goals and that is not the case. My vision is more a sense of being that utilizes my intuition to guide my decisions on how to take action. Hahaha that may sound a bit confusing to some, or perhaps a bit to airy fairy, but it’s the best way I can describe it in writing.

So what I’ve decided to do is create daily focus goals: Wed focus on finding an agent, Thurs focus on connecting with all the comedy hosts in Toronto, Friday focus on creating package for acting, Saturday focus on catching my flight home to Winnipeg!!!

Let’s see how I do! Look forward to seeing how well this week works.

“Have you ever noticed anyone going slower than you is an idiot and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?”

He was talking about drivers but when I read this quote recently it hit me in a completely different way.

In 6 days I move to Toronto and last night I went to the premiere of the documentary made by Tyson Caron on the Winnipeg comedy scene called “Sign Up & Stand Up” . The doc was really well done and featured local comedians (myself included) and the struggle involved.

One of the featured comedians was Scott Porteous. His story is heartbreaking and frustrating all at once. A Winnipeg comedian who has been in the game for 9+ years and still hasn’t made it into the Winnipeg Comedy Festival, he told a story of rejection, perseverance and humility.

When I started I remember sitting with Scott and asking him advice about the scene, helping him with ideas for his shows and learning from him a lot.

In the doc Scott mentions how hard it is to see others passing him on the comedy climb. It made me think of Carlin’s quote again; when you see someone not succeeding as fast as you are it’s easy to think “WHAT A LOSER” and when you see someone succeeding much faster than yourself it’s easy to think “THEY ARE GETTING TOO BIG TOO FAST, SOMETHING’S GOTTA GIVE”.

But in the end the truth is we all have our pace. If we are true to ourselves and work hard we will reach our destined end. Some are meant to be (in the words of Scott Porteous) “fighters and not champions.”

The key thing is to be sure that you drive at a speed you can be comfortable with and don’t crash the car along the way. That way the fast drivers don’t bother you and the slow ones don’t either.

So as I move to Toronto I will be sure my odometer is working well and I’m gonna drive until I reach my end goal. YYZ Here I come!!!

Anonymity is a beautiful thing in many situations: when I was in grade school sex ed and had that anonymous question box…I mean seriously how am I supposed to ask about second base and not get all sweaty and embarrassed??

But this morning I experienced anonymity that made me delighted and frustrated all at the same time! I got a call from the selection committee for the Women Entrepreneur of the Year Awards enlightening me on the fact I had been nominated!!!

What an honour to be nominated for an award that describes itself as recognizing, “today’s pacesetters who will stand as inspiring role models for tomorrow’s emerging business leaders.”

WOW! Someone thought that of me and took the effort to nominate me based on my business experiences. It felt amazing!

Of course this comes at a time when I am leaving Winnipeg for Toronto so I was forced to decline as I’d be missing all the lead up mandatory workshops and paperwork to be eligible, but it still felt like an amazing honour I wanted to celebrate.

I wanted to thank my nominator over and over and then was informed that the gracious man woman or child who nominated me requested to remain anonymous!

There’s that word, anonymous! Someone not wanting to be identified by name or other distinguishing feature. Of all people I get it, heck I did Random Acts of Kindness this year! But I really wish I could thank this person and let them know how much it means to me to have been nominated.

So instead I am putting out to the universe just how grateful I truly am and I hope this person finds a piece of that gratitude!

Thank you so much for your support and for taking the time to nominate me. It means so much and gives me a great boost of confidence as I embark on a new chapter in the Tdot!

Whoever you are, you have made my day, my month and helped to start 2013 off with a BANG of positivity and gratitude!

The YOU ROCK Comedy & Soul Jam in support of GO! International

www.AishaAlfa.com/you-rock

WHEN: Friday Dec 7th, 2012

WHERE: West End Cultural Centre, 586 Ellice Ave, Winnipeg, MB

TIME: 8pm show, 7:15pm doors

TICKETS: $20 each OR buy 8 get 2 FREE!!!

Email: YouRockTickets@gmail.com (include name, ph # and number of tickets)

Line Up:

Hot Thespian Action

Reynalyne Gacilan

Flo

In Support of GO! International